As unintentional as it was on their behalf, I’ve been a bit begrudging and sour towards my parents and their conventional views on gender due to the amount of pressure they’ve placed on me to fit into mine. As a female, they see me as the home maker, though encourage me to be the “breadwinner.” The latter, of course, would be ceased whilst becoming implanted with foreign DNA and hence forth homing and nurturing a mutating leech [Prego].
I know a fair amount of girls might say that they wanted to rough house and play with the boys growing up and made grand efforts to do so. This was not the case for me. I made strong efforts to play with my own sex when I was younger, despite a sense of detachment. I played with dolls at the indirect encouragement [buying me Barbie’s without me having to ask], and made an effort to become less assertive and douse my aggressive habits at school [As I used to get suspended frequently for beating on boys].
Carrying on into my childhood, an increase in distaste for dresses and “pretty” clothing began to develop, along with alienation from my female peers. My parents again made strong efforts to push me into feminine social circles, but to no avail. I wanted to play sports, but due to new found religious propaganda my parents grew all the more fervent in trying to keep me away from my tom-boy nature and more towards what they considered proper for a young girl. Especially that I was atomically developing quickly and curvaceously. To this day I have little to no female friends. While one or two remain close, I inadvertently surrounded myself with male friends.
“Girls” have a hard time relating to me. Apparently.
I have never been able to identify with my gender and it was distressing at a younger age when I was unaccepted due to some unseen force that stopped me from molding myself properly to fit in. I don’t take comfort in typical “girl” habits, such as shopping, in-depth talks about feelings and attachments, males, and so on [I know I’m stereo typing, but cut me some slack].
Even significant others have taken note of my masculinity. As much as I still dislike frills and dresses, all boyfriends have encouraged me to look pretty. Perhaps not in dresses and high heels, but appropriately feminine. My hair is naturally curly. Most people have not seen or would have known that due to tangled mop of my hair to be tamed for the sake of attraction and femininity.
On that note: to my parents great dismay, I frequently cut my hair short. Very short. The most I’ve done left me with less than an inch, and my poor mother was near tears she was so frustrated. But I had reached the end of my rope when I had reached the decision to remove so much. Society put so much weight on being beautiful [not to say that I am beautiful. Just go with it!] in a conventional way that I’d grown sick of it, and sick of myself for conforming for the majority of my life.
So, off with the hair and more assertion. I continue to buy gender elusive clothing and it still irritates my parents to no end that I don’t “take care of myself.” I.e, I would rather wake up forty minutes early than wake up to do my hair, pick out clothes, and fix my make-up. I like pants and t-shirts that don’t hug my curves. I yell at the television, enjoy rough-housing, play video games, and enjoy my mane of wild curls [when they exist].
As hard as it is to be seen with fistfuls of males and be constantly berated about my lack of femininity, I feel much more myself when I resist cramming myself into our societal norm for women.
At least my hair has grown out some and I’m not referred to as “the other son” anymore.
As I was reading your post, I saw much of who I am in your story. I love video games and TV; I love watching action movies with my 3 brothers. I have one very close female friend and 2 best guy friends (not including my brother’s who are 3 of my closest friends). My hair goes form being long to short and partially shaved to long again. Though I like to wear the occasional dress, I mostly would choose to wear pants on almost any occasion. I can remember the very day when I discovered pants. I was 9 years old and my family and I were off to church and all of my dresses were dirty. My mother suggested I ware a pair of jeans because we were late. I was horrified, but we had to leave so I unwillingly put them on. I remember being surprised to find how comfortable I was in church. Pants were so comfortable. From that point on my closet changed from pink dresses, to lots of jeans. To this day I would much rather have 40 minutes of extra sleep, get up quickly put on my pants and a t-shirt, then lose sleep and fret over my appearance. It’s just not me, mostly. I do get the rare occasion where I want to ware a “girl” shirt. It is not because I care what others may think; it's more about how I am feeling that day, what I will be comfortable in. But rest assured no matter the kind of shirt, it will be paired with pants.
ReplyDeleteBefore I comment on phrases/sentences that you have written, I have to say that I like the way you write. Your "voice" permeates through the words giving your prose personality. Anyway:
ReplyDelete"due to the amount of pressure they’ve placed on me to fit into mine"
I personally believe that I am still an amateur at best in issues and topics related to gender but I am under the impression that "gender," as an institution, is/was constructed by society. Assuming that this as absolute truth, is it not true that one ultimately has the option, despite social resistance, to decide their gender? If not, then is gender innate and does not necessarily match up with any form of genitalia/chromosome pattern, that a person therefore just "is?" Putting that aside, what I'm trying to figure out is where you place yourself in this gender spectrum. It doesn't matter to me really where you are, I would just like to put things into perspective.
Which brings me to my response to your question: what did I mean about my apathy? You hit it right on the head when you said I did not care about someone's sexual preference. It's slightly more complicated/deeper than that. I didn't word it very carefully but what I was trying to say is that whatever/whoever an individual is in terms of sexual preference or gender, it is of no significance to me. As long as they respect and not harm anyone, I have no problem what they choose to do/be.
"'Girls' have a hard time relating to me. Apparently."
I find this statement to be very intriguing. Although initially innocent, it seems as though it would be demeaning to be placed into that label. Why exactly would 'girls' have a hard time relating to you? In fact, who/what are these girls? What about women? How do they relate to you or any other gender for that matter?
I have to admit, I tried to look up who you were in the class and since I am not familiar with the majority of the class yet, I think it was for the better. It somehow makes this response more objective. I like it.
I enjoyed reading you’re blog. It made me laugh. :)
ReplyDeleteAnyways, it must be frustrating to have parents who want you to stick so close to the usual feminine stereotypes. I was almost the same way as a child, and I still don’t do my hair in the mornings or bother with make-up. But I must be lucky to have parents who don’t care. (Probably because my parents had two girls, and my dad feels lonely without the testosterone in the house.) But I applaud you in keeping to what you feel fits you better (most would have conformed.). People should be able to be comfortable and happy with who they are, regardless of how society sees them.
It is fairly annoying, the amount of stress that goes into being fit into gender categories, especially in childhood I think. I found people to be a little bit more accepting that some girls aren’t just as feminine as other, or boys as muscular, but as kids it seems like that’s how we know who we should play with. I know when I tried to play with the boys, I was rejected quickly because I was a girl. The whole cooties thing is just the start of genderazation maybe.